Fathers and Sons
by MBP
Summary: It seems that in the biggest moments of his life, Josh loses either a father or a father figure. What actually happened on those nights? Well, for one thing... Donna was there for both of them.
1. The first time

Disclaimer: I do NOT own The West Wing.

A/N: I played with details from the actual episode a little to stretch it out more.

The room exploded into whoops and cheers so deafening that Donna wasn't sure she was really hearing Josh's cell phone, but then she realized it was also flashing, so she grabbed it off the table when she realized that Josh was nowhere in sight. She could barely hear the voice on the other end, so she wandered into the hallway to get some quiet. That was when she realized it wasn't only the noise from the room that was the problem.

"Donna? Is that you?"

It was Mrs. Lyman, and while Donna had gotten used to speaking to her a few times a week, she didn't sound at all like herself now.

"Yes, it is. Mrs. Lyman, is everything ok?"

There was a silence, and Donna's hand tightened on the phone when Josh's mother finally spoke again.

"No, no it isn't. I guess… well, I guess it's better if Josh hears this from you in person. Donna, he needs to come home tonight. His father went into the hospital tonight and… well, he didn't make it." Her voice was calm, but Donna could hear the numbness that she knew would soon fade. She swallowed hard, trying not to imagine how hard this was about to get.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Lyman," she managed to mumble. "I'll give Josh the message. I'm sure he'll call you back in a few minutes."

"Thank you," she said softly. She hung up, and Donna stood in the hallway for a moment, taking a deep breath, steeling herself for what she knew would be an impossible task. Finally, she turned and walked back into a celebration that suddenly… somehow… seemed very wrong. She was about to ask Sam if he'd seen Josh when she gasped as she felt someone rush up behind her and grab her. Whirling around, she was confronted with Josh's beaming face as he lifted her in a hug.

"We got it, Donna! We're going to win this thing; I just know it!"

She smiled at him, but her eyes weren't in it. He didn't notice, though, so she was forced to push him away and look straight at him.

"Josh, your mother called."

His grin widened. "Did you tell her?"

"Josh…" She didn't know how to say it. She didn't know how to give him the news that would change his life. But he saw it in her eyes.

"Donna, what is it?" he asked, his smile suddenly faltering. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that Sam was turning to watch them, so she handed Josh his cell phone and said, "let's do this in the hallway?," but he shook his head, the worry now plain on his face.

"Just say it," he said flatly. All of the excitement was gone out of his voice now as though he knew what she was trying not to say.

"Josh, it's your dad," she said softly. "I'm so sorry, but your mom… well, she said he went into the hospital tonight and … he didn't make it, Josh."

His expression didn't change, but he turned and walked out of the room without another word. Donna turned to see Sam staring at her. She nodded at him to confirm that he had, in fact, heard her correctly, and then she followed Josh outside. He was standing next to the door, just leaning against the wall, and she paused next to him, uncertain of what he wanted. Then, without acknowledging her presence – but without walking away either— he opened his cell phone and dialed his mother.

"Hi Mom," he said, and for the first time, Donna heard his voice shake. Feeling like she was intruding, she was about to walk away, but she didn't need to. Sam walked out of the room at that moment, and Josh moved down the hall to be alone.

The two of them stood there in silence until Sam said, "She didn't say what happened?"

Donna shook her head, unable to tear her eyes away from the sight of Josh. He'd stopped at the end of the hall and was sitting on the floor, the phone still pressed to his ear, but with his knees up and his head down. Sam turned to look at what she was watching, and as he did, they both saw as Josh dropped the phone on the floor and wrapped both arms around his legs. He rested his head against his knees, and even from this distance, they could both see his shoulders start to shake.

"Donna, I think he needs you now," Sam said quietly, but Donna heard the truth in his voice, and she nodded, forcing herself to walk down the hallway. Her heart was racing, but she knew that Sam was right. Josh did need her now. Or rather… he wouldn't accept anyone else.

Stopping in front of him, she waited for a moment to see if he would notice, but when he didn't, she sat beside him on the floor and cautiously draped her arm over his shoulders. He stiffened, and she said softly, "it's me, Josh."

She felt his muscles relax again, and the shaking intensified. Before long, his sobs were audible, and just as she thought there had to be something else she could do to help him at this awful, awful moment, he let go of his legs and turned to her. His eyes were full of tears, and he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her long blond hair. Stroking his hair, she softly murmured, "I'm here as long as you need me," and she heard his choked affirmation of her pledge. She had the feeling that would be for a long time.


	2. The trip home

Josh boarded the plane, shaking his head in amazement. This man… Jed Bartlet… he didn't get it. He was hopefully going to be the next President of the United States… but only if he didn't screw this up first. Josh sat down in his seat, buckled his seatbelt and shook his head again. He couldn't believe he'd offered to go with him to his father's… No. Here was where he stopped thinking. He wasn't ready yet. He wasn't ready to think about where he was going, and as much as he appreciated the candidate's offer, he was also glad he was alone. This was going to be hard enough. He didn't need an audience. It was bad enough that Donna had to be witness to the one and only breakdown he was going to allow himself. He was glad it had been her, though… he couldn't imagine if it had been anyone else.

He closed his eyes and tried to doze for the rest of the flight and not remember why he was flying home. He had just managed to drift off to sleep when he jerked awake to the announcement that they were about to land. Glancing out the window, he swallowed hard as reality began to seep back in. He'd been able to put any of these thoughts at bay for the last couple of hours, but now everything was coming flooding back as the plane touched down. Straightening his shoulders, he unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed his overnight bag. He'd left just about everything else with Donna, so he wasn't worried about anything. He knew she'd take care of it.

He sighed deeply as he walked toward the waiting crowd. He knew his mother would be there even though he'd told her that he'd find his own way home, and sure enough, there she was… but she looked nothing like herself. She looked the way he'd only seen her one time before… and that was not a time he wanted to remember right now. He swallowed hard again, fighting the lump that was suddenly rising in his throat when he saw her eyes. She didn't say a word, just reached out and tenderly touched his cheek.

_We're all we have now_. The thought came to his mind suddenly, and the truth of it almost caused him to break down right there, but he simply reached up and took her hand, squeezing it tightly.

"Let's go home, Mom," he said hoarsely, putting his arm around her and walking her out to her car.

The ride home was mercifully quiet. Neither of them seemed ready to have the conversation they knew they had to have. Josh didn't think he ever would be, and he was glad she seemed to be waiting for him to initiate it. He just hoped that no one would be waiting for them at their house, and he got his wish. It was empty when they walked inside, and while he felt a sense of relief, he also felt the hollowness settle in his heart. It wasn't just empty of well wishers. It was empty of his father too… and now it always would be.

His eyes started burning as the reality hit him once and for all, and he mumbled something about having to check his e-mail, running up the stairs and directly into his old bedroom. Feeling more like the teenager he'd been the last time he'd spent hours in this room, he threw himself on his bed in the old routine of despondency. His face was buried so deeply in his pillow, and he was so caught up in his own misery that he didn't even hear his mother enter the room. He didn't even know she was there until he felt the bed slant and realized she had to be sitting beside him. Slowly, he peeled his face out of the pillow and turned to look at her. Her eyes were still haunted, but now there were tears in them as well, and Josh forced himself to sit up. He didn't look at her again but instead stared down at his lap as they sat side by side on his bed.

"I'm sorry, Mom," he choked. "I should have been here." He buried his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He was still covering his face when he felt her hand on his back. It was the human contact that did it to him every time. As much as he'd told himself that the moment in the hall with Donna would be his only moment of weakness, he'd underestimated the power of his mother. The shuddering sob he'd managed to force down erupted, and he was suddenly sobbing harder than he had in years, and his mother had her arms around him, holding him tightly through her own tears.

"Josh, there was no other place for you to be. He was so proud of you tonight. If he'd made it another day, you know he'd have been telling everyone that _you_ had won tonight, and forget about anyone named Bartlet. You were his pride and joy, Josh. You know that, and you'd better never forget it."

He nodded, unable to formulate any words but more grateful than he could possibly express. He knew she was right. He'd said as much to Bartlet himself. But there was something about hearing it from his mother that made it true. He started breathing deeply and was able to calm down enough to hug his mother harder than he could ever remember doing.

"Thanks, Mom," he managed to whisper. "I just… I wish he could have known."

"He will," she said firmly, pulling back to look him in the eye. "You have to believe he'll always know and always be so proud. Everything you've ever done made him so proud of you."

_Everything?_ He thought. _But I killed my sister_. He didn't say it, and he didn't even look at her because he didn't want her to read it in his eyes, but he knew that there was one thing he'd done that couldn't have made his father proud. There was one thing he'd done that would tear him apart for the rest of his life. He'd survived. And now he'd survived his father too. How on earth was he supposed to go on? But he turned to his mother and forced a very shallow smile.

"Thanks," he said again. He let out an explosive breath and rubbed his eyes again. "Let's get this stuff taken care of, ok?"

She nodded with a relief she couldn't hide, and Josh was glad he was at least able to give her something. He didn't think he could ever give her enough to make up for this guilt that he knew would never go away.


	3. Leo

The Santos headquarters were bursting at the seams with excitement and adrenaline. Donna tried not to laugh as she watched Josh walk off with the transition guys, casting one last pleading glance to her over his shoulder. She checked her watch so she would know when to interrupt them and had just gone into one of the rooms to check for an update when her cell phone rang. Reaching for it distractedly, she didn't recognize the distraught voice on the other end.

"Donna?" it was a woman, but her voice was choked up, and she was sniffling.

"This is she," Donna replied in confusion. "Who is this?"

"It's Annabeth. Donna… I'm at the hospital. I went to find Leo when he wasn't with everyone else, and he was, he was…" and here she choked up again. Donna felt her heart leap into her throat. This couldn't be happening to Leo again. Hadn't he already been through enough in his life?

"What?" she asked urgently when Annabeth still hadn't finished her sentence.

"He was unconscious," she blurted. "I called the paramedics and rode along in the ambulance. Will you tell Josh?"

Donna swallowed hard. This really couldn't be happening again. Not to Leo and not to Josh… not on a night like this. In her mind's eye, she could see Leo grabbing Josh in a bear hug when President Bartlet won Illinois… just moments before she'd had to tell Josh that his father had died. She could see Leo's eyes when she told him years later that she didn't think Josh had cut his hand by putting down a glass like he claimed. She didn't know how she was going to do this, but she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and walked out into the hallway…

and bumped directly into Josh. He looked at her in confusion.

"Where were you? You were supposed to interrupt us!"

Donna just stared at him. She didn't know why she was always the one who was forced to ruin the biggest nights of his life, so she said nothing.

"Donna, what is it? Did we win Texas?"

She said nothing, and the urgency of his questions escalated. "Did we lose Texas? Ohio?"

Before he could name every state in the country, she forced herself to open her mouth.

"Josh, Annabeth just called. She went to Leo's room earlier to find out why he wasn't down here with the rest of us. Josh…" she found herself suddenly choking on her own words as the reality of the situation finally began to hit her as well. "Josh, Leo was unconscious."

He stared at her with his mouth falling slightly open. Neither of them spoke for a minute, and then he managed to ask "Where is he now?"

"Annabeth is at the hospital with him. She gave me the information. Let's go."

He nodded, unable to say another word as they turned and walked down the hallway. They didn't stop moving until they reached the hospital. In the elevator, Donna kept glancing at Josh, but he was bouncing on the balls of his feet and staring at the numbers as they indicated which floors they were passing. When the doors finally opened, they could both see the Secret Service positioned throughout the hallway. Without even looking at one another, they both picked up speed until they were practically jogging to the waiting room where Annabeth had told Donna she would be.

She stood as she saw them coming, and as soon as they saw her face, they stopped short as if they'd both run head first into a brick wall. Tears and mascara were running down her face as she stumbled to Josh.

He stared at her, willing her not to say the words he could read in her eyes, but she blurted them out and changed his world forever.

"He died, Josh. Leo's dead."

And before he could even think of what to say or how to respond, she collapsed against him in a new flood of tears. He held her to him as his mind worked to understand the impossible words Annabeth had just uttered.

Donna stood beside them, her own eyes welling up with tears, but she brushed her hand across them quickly. There would be time for that later. One look at Josh's face told her that there was nothing more important right now than her strength. He was on the verge of crumbling, and this time, there was really no one else who could pick up the pieces.


	4. Leaving Leo

When Annabeth finally let go of Josh, she collapsed into her seat again. Donna sat down beside her and put her arm around her. Josh wandered off down the hall, and the two women looked at each other.

"This is going to be bad for him," Annabeth whispered, suddenly seeming to realize just how true that was, but Donna just nodded resignedly. She'd known this from the instant she'd heard the news. Sighing, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

"I should call C.J.," she told Annabeth when she saw her looking at the phone, and the other woman blanched.

"The president," she whispered, seeming to turn even paler if that were possible, but Donna just nodded and got up to walk out of the room so she could have more privacy. When C.J. answered, it took Donna a minute to force the words out, and as soon as she said them, there was a silence on the other end, and Donna could only imagine what it was like for C.J. to hear this news as she sat in Leo's old office. Finally, C.J. spoke.

"Thanks, Donna. I'll… I'll go tell the President now. How…" and here she trailed off. After a minute she cleared her throat, but her voice was choked up when she asked, "How's Josh?"

Donna felt the lump rise in her own throat and she was forced once again to blink back tears.

"Pretty bad," she managed to say.

"Well, go to him now," C.J. said, and Donna whispered her good luck to C.J. as she prepared to go to the other man who would be equally as devastated as Josh.

As Donna once again prepared herself for an impossible task, she straightened her shoulders and walked down the hall to where she could see Josh just standing and staring out the window. He knew she was approaching him from her reflection, but he didn't turn. And once Donna could get close enough to see his reflection, she understood why. He wasn't crying… yet… but he was closer to tears than she'd seen him in years.

He mumbled a question she almost didn't process until she realized it was because he was talking about the election… the last topic she expected him to have on his mind.

"We're still waiting to hear," she forced herself to answer. He nodded and began mumbling about what Santos needed to do, but Donna couldn't bear to listen to him trying to distract himself any longer, so she put her hand on his back, and he faltered and stopped speaking just as she'd expected he would.

"Josh, let's go," she said softly, and he turned to look at her finally. His eyes were full of tears, and she knew that the last thing he wanted to do was leave Leo, but she also knew he just had to. "I'll drive," she added, guiding him away from the window.

He slumped against her as they walked down the hall, and Donna kept swallowing hard against the lump in her throat. She'd lost Leo too… but Josh needed her strength more than she needed to give into her weakness. That would have to continue to wait.


	5. Leo's room

Donna stood in the midst of the excitement as everyone broke into a loud chorus of "Deep in the Heart of Texas" and couldn't help but smile as she watched the candidate sweep his wife into a dance. If nothing else, at least he won his home state. But… where was Josh?

No one knew. She kept asking everyone who passed by, but she was met by blank stare after blank stare. She couldn't imagine where he had disappeared to and was about to give up asking when she realized that she did know where he was. There was only one place he could possibly have been.

With a heavy heart, she took the elevator to the floor where their rooms were, and as soon as she saw the Secret Service agents lining the hallway, she knew she'd guessed right. She looked at one of them and said, "Josh Lyman?" and he nodded, stepping aside from the doorway of Leo's room.

She walked in, taking in her surroundings slowly as certain items came into focus one after the other. Leo's glasses. A crumpled up tissue. His watch sitting on the side of the table. And then, finally, the mess on the floor left by the paramedics as they'd rushed to try to save his life. After staring for what felt like an eternity at everything but Josh, she forced her eyes to his face where she knew he was watching her. And he was… but she wasn't so sure he could see anything anymore.

The tears in his eyes had finally released themselves, and he sniffed and rubbed his nose on the back of his hand.

"I called room service," he said, his voice tight. "I didn't want Mallory to have to see this stuff when she gets here."

"Good idea," Donna said softly. She stepped closer to him. She'd never seen him this upset… not ever… and she could feel the waves of misery that were radiating off him. Her proximity might not help, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

"We won Texas," she told him, hoping for a smile, but he just let out a choked laugh that ended up sounding a lot more like a sob. She tried again.

"You've done an amazing thing, Josh. A wonderful thing. This is your night. You should be down there celebrating. You shouldn't be here. Leo wouldn't want this."

He sniffed again, and the tears started to flow more freely.

"I convinced him to do this."

He said it so softly that Donna couldn't imagine she'd heard him correctly, so she took a step closer. He repeated it.

"I convinced him to do this, Donna," and for the first time since she'd entered the room, he looked at her, and the anguish in his face broke her heart.

"Josh, no one could ever convince Leo to do anything he didn't want to. He wouldn't want you to think that. And he wouldn't want you here like this now. He would want you downstairs celebrating with everyone else. This is your night, Josh." And knowing that this would hurt, she put her hand on his arm and said it anyway. "And you know he was so proud of you."

He bowed his head, his arms crossed, and then he leaned into her, his head in her chest, and she draped her arm around him, rubbing his back in small, soothing circles as he finally broke down. The sound of his sobs tore through her, but she stayed as still as she could manage, rubbing his back until he stood up and pulled her into a hug.

"I loved him," he choked out, and she only hugged him harder.

"He loved you too, Josh," she said softly, her own eyes burning with tears. "And he knew. He knew how you felt about him." 

Another sob tore through him, and he put his head into her shoulder as they rocked back and forth, and Donna finally gave into her own tears.


	6. Hollow Victory

The election was over. They'd won. But it was one of the most hollow victories Josh had ever known. He was still staring at the poster of Santos and Leo when Donna came to find him.

"Are you ready to go to bed, Josh?" she asked softly.

He turned slowly to look at her. He was horrified to feel tears stinging his eyes again, so he blinked quickly and forced himself to nod.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. "Are you going to stay…?"

She nodded before he could even finish the question, and she could see him relax.

"Let's go." She guided him to the elevator and then down the hall to his room, taking his card from him before he could even attempt to get in the door.

Once they were in the room and the door had closed behind them, Josh threw himself onto the bed and slung his arm over his eyes. Donna sat on the chair beside the bed and just watched him. She knew he wasn't sleeping because she doubted he'd be able to fall asleep at all, and she wasn't surprised when she heard sniffling from under his arm.

She moved over the side of the bed and sat down next to him. Josh didn't move his arm, and Donna didn't speak. Neither of them moved until he rolled toward her and draped his arm across her lap. His face was now buried in the covers, and she leaned over, putting her arm over him.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbled in his ear, holding on tightly. He nodded into the covers, but he couldn't look up. The tears were coming fast and furious now, and he knew she could hear his hitching sobs. He couldn't bear the thought of her looking in his eyes now, but he was soaking the covers, so he forced himself to turn his head. The moment their eyes met, Donna's eyes filled with tears again.

Josh couldn't think of anything else to do. He reached up to her with both arms, and as she leaned into his embrace, he felt her shoulders begin to shake. He held on tightly, letting out a shaky breath, and realized something. This night would be unlike any they had ever spent together…unlike any he'd ever spent with anyone. He'd never been this emotionally open with another girlfriend. But another girlfriend had never been Donna.


End file.
